I just can’t hide it.

“I’m so excited to see my mum”
My fella rolled his eyes, “I know”. And he did, this was about the umpteenth time I’d announced my excitement about seeing my mum. I haven’t seen her since like February and now I get to see her next week/ in three days/ in two days/ tomorrow… The countdown continued. My excitement increased.

I’m a fan of announcing how I feel. “I love you” “I’m so happy” “I’m having such a good time” I’ll say to my friends, roaring with laughter, elation etched on all our faces. It’s clear I’m having a good time, we all are, you’d have to be daft not to figure that out. But the out loud acknowledgement makes it mean so much more, leaves no room for misunderstanding. It’s as though by announcing the enjoyment verbally it somehow makes it official, undisputable. I’m daring someone to turn around and say “no, you know what, this is shit”.

 

We used to do it all the time at uni, whenever G-unit were doing something fun we’d tell each other ‘ah guys this is lush’, nothing’s changed. Three years down the line when we get together it’s a proper love in. The five of us spent a lot of time together, enjoying each other’s company and reiterating the fact that we were having fun. I think we sometimes forgot that it wasn’t the usual thing to do, but it’s a habit that’s stuck with me, and I like it.

“I can tell you’re excited”, my fella tells me,” look at your little face, eyes all big.” But it’s true, I mean it, I can’t wait to see my mum. I’m 25 and I live with my boyfriend and I love my life, but there’s nothing quite like seeing your mum. Nothing that I look forward to in quite the same way. And so yes, my eyes light up, I give a unrequested countdown, and tell everyone I meet. It’s the same with a lot of things. I’m like a kid. Can’t contain my excitement.

My brother came for tea last night too, and likewise I was super psyched for his visit. I told everyone at work, I published it on Facebook, and once he’d arrived told him again and again how lush it was to see him. As if he couldn’t tell. When he left though I was left empty and homesick. I waved goodbye all smiles and laughter, but as soon as the door closed behind him I promptly burst into floods of tears. You know the kind of hysterics that just burst out and surprise you. They certainly shocked my fella, as he gaped at me, uncomprehending. “What’s wrong?” he asked. I replied with that annoying, decipherable hiccupping speech, most commonly favoured by drunk girls in nightclub toilets. “I’m homesick” I announced through the snot and tears my blubbering had resulted in. Well this was news to him. Truth be told, it was news to me too. I hadn’t known I was homesick, until home walked out the door. It was fine when my mum came, she stayed in bed while I went to work and let herself out later; but waving goodbye, not knowing when I’d see my brother next tugged at some heartstrings and struck a raw nerve. My negative emotions make themselves known as much as the positive ones, which at least means I’m balanced. That’s got to count for something.

 

I recovered myself and the tears dried up. The quiet feeling that I miss my friends and family from home has settled though, and is weighing on my heart. Perhaps it’s time to think about a trip up North. Either that or somehow persuade them all to come see me.

 

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