As I was driving home tonight, hungry, keen to see my fella after a long day at work, and bursting for a pee like you wouldn’t believe, it struck me, in a sort of wishful thinking sort of way; that one of the things I like most in the world, is when ridiculously slow, doddery drivers stick their indicators on and move the hell out my way.
I’ve always had something of a road rage temper about me, and though my vocal outbursts of “F*** off out my f****** way you stupid f***” have somewhat reduced since I embraced the calming powers of nineties hip hop and R’n’B, I often find that my mind is racing with expletives and disrespectful thoughts. My control and restraint is something I am increasingly proud of; particularly on nights like tonight when Edith Bowman is on the radio and my fella has got a pizza in the oven. When I know the road so well, and my journey time is ever increasing, I feel the twitch in my fingers to flash my lights; the strain in my wrist as it urges to ‘knock’ the horn; the tension in my ankle as it holds back my foot from engaging pedal to the metal. But I endeavour to be a good driver, and respect the road and all on it, and appease my feelings of contentment and disapproval with the optimistic hope that surely, they must be about to turn off, any second now. Go on, I pray; stick your indicator on and get off the road.
That feeling of release, of freedom; of greatness as suddenly I own the road; nothing stopping me, I put down my foot and ease up my speed, finding the legal limit that had clearly eluded my previous road companion. It feels like millionaire driving, as I coast the corners, relaxing into the rhythm of the camber and letting in guide me home at a comfortable speed; with no one infringing me or slowing me down.
Alas tonight it wasn’t to be. Not all the wishful thinking in the world could convince the driver in front to make my journey anything other than a lesson in bladder control. And so I bided my time and let patience rule. So it was I who left our unhappy convoy first; breaking rank to go home and enjoy a few of my other favourite things….